Q. What are you doing for Super Bowl Sunday? Who do you hope wins?
A. I'll answer your last question first. I hope nature wins. I hope the pigs choose today to take their revenge. Though that's unlikely since modern footballs are mostly made of plastic and rubber. Plus, pigs aren't really that organized. Or maybe a freak lightning storm that fries the stadium electrical source. Even the backup generators. Or, and this would be the most unsafe (perhaps even deadly), which I don't wish for, at the same time it would also be the most ironic- A four hour long hail storm with hail stones the size of, you guessed it... Soccer balls.
At this point you may be asking, why the animosity toward the Super Bowl?
1. I have always disliked televised sports. A highlight reel now and a again is interesting. But an entire game... Plus pre and post game shows. It's all way too much for something that matters so little. Truly, every game, of anything, ever matters so little. And there is so much emotion and energy and money spent on them. Games are games. They are a pastime.
2. I find the spectacle of it all a little embarrassing. It's just too much for so little.
3. The Black Eyed Peas weren't invited back.
4. When I was a child, no one ever asked me to play football with them. I always sat alone and hopeful on the sidelines. I wasn't even picked last. I just wasn't picked. Completely overlooked, shunned even. Simply because until I was 18 years old I literally had a thin cube of butter where each finger should have been. (It's amazing what modern science can fix. Thank you Dr. Grant. You truly Grant-ed my fondest wish.)
5. It's our neighbors. Four dudes that graduated collage but can't leave Frat life behind. They spent the day yesterday getting ready for their Super Bowl party. It was kind of funny to watch. They really are helpless when it come to cleaning and party preparation. As long as they have a couple kegs and some red plastic cups the party is set. All they need to do the get it started is push play on the stereo and crank up the base. That's how these guys do it. And they do it ALL day. And as they get drunker, they get louder, they even seem to multiply, spilling out onto the sidewalk and filling their backyard. Each drunken event ends with a dance party late into the evening. If we are home there is no escaping their bombardment of sound.
As for me and my house, on this holiest celebration of the American way, we will have a picnic in the park, take a long drive and spend some time in nature with friends. After all, isn't football everywhere?
I certainly hope not.
Happy Super Bowl Sunday everyone! I hope we all get what we asked John Madden for.
PS: To clarify #4. I did get chosen to play football as a kid. And I liked the activity of it. I think I would have even made a pretty good, um, guy who run with the ball toward the goal.