Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New X Resolutions

Q. Mark, what are your new year resolutions?

A. This seems to be a question I get asked a lot, right around this time of year. Usually it's the same stuff on my list. Things like, Don't change, I've got it pretty good. Or, resolve to not commit to anything. And so far I've done pretty good at those things. But this year, as I've looked back on 2001-2012 I've decided I should try to make some slight adjustments. Maybe this year I'll try to be less offensive to others. At the core of my being, is a soul that just wants to be nice and get along with all people of the universe. But I'm a little afraid of being rejected by those people. I'm also a little afraid of being accepted by all those people. I just don't know if I would have time to go to all those birthday parties, and weddings... And dinner parties. And poetry readings... Dance recitals, football or basketball games, trips to Lake Powell and Aspen. Plus all the people that would need help moving or need a ride to the air port or need to drop off their kids for just an hour. Those hours could really add up.
But this year I am going to give it a shot. I'm going to start small and go from there. So in an attempt to be less offensive, I am going to start adding X to all the offensive words I've used to describe holidays. I know the Super Bowl has already done this. And honestly I find it kind of touching and inspirational. So to follow their lead and my own heart, here's a preview of what 2013 may look like for me:
Happy New X. (For some this is not the beginning of a new calendar year. I don't want those people to get the idea that I think my calendar is superior to their calendar.
Happy Martin X X Day. (See, that's way less offensive. I've learned that there are people who don't believe in Dr. King. Since I don't want to step on anyone's toes we'll just X it out so it's Martin's Day. And what's a Martin if not the everyman? So now, for those who don't believe, it's just a day dedicated to the regular guys.)
Good luck, it's GroundX Day. (Who are we to call anything a hog? It has certain connotations and maybe should be replaced by something less offensive. Like an "X" for instance.)
It's February 14th, Happy XXX Day. (That one already looks better. No way any one could be offended by that.)
Now it's four day's later in February, Happy Xidents Day. (There are, as I have learned in the year 2012, a ton of people who don't believe in presidents. Why should they have to see that word? They shouldn't. Or at least I won't make them. As a bonus, it sort of looks like it's Accidents Day spelled in a hip and with it kind of way. So if you have a friend or loved one laid up due to an injury. Send them a card on this day.)
Daylight Saving X. (This one kind of works out anyway. It has the appearance of being less offensive, but in math the X = Times. And no I don't say Multiply since it could make someone think of making babies.)
Happy X Patricks Day! (Just another day for another dude. All dudes really. And what better way to celebrated dudes than getting stupid drunk and punching someone in the that fat stupid face. As long as everyone is drunk, none will be offended.)
On March 26th it's the First Day of X (The first day of what? Who know's anymore. The first day of the rest of your life I suppose. That's a win for us all.)
Cool man it's X Friday. (Yep. It's Friday. And that is cool. What are you doing tonight? Oh, getting wasted. Yeah me too. It's an X Friday tradition! TGIXF.)
Good Morning it's Xster Xday. (If you want to eat candy and colorful hardboiled eggs today, go ahead. Really you could do that any day of the year. And who says Xster needs to be on a Sunday? No one really. Now you can celebrate or not celebrate Xter any day you want. Or don't want. And pastels? Who needs them? Everyone or no one. It's your call.)
Happy Last Day of Xover. ( That's it. X is over. Do as you please. Finally. Or business as usual. I really don't want to impose.)
TaX Day (It already had an X, therefore not offensive. I wonder what word was X'ed out.)
May 2nd is the Xtional Day of Xer (I want you to know I'm cool with it if you X on May 2nd or don't X. Whatever you choose is fine with me. I'll still help you move and go to your child's dance recital.)
X X MayX (I think I got them all there. Now, way less offensive. Really it's just a day in May. Observe as you see fit. A regular May afternoon such as this may warrant a drink or two. Whatever the time of year, it's important to stay hydrated.)
MothX Day (If you are on good terms with your Moth, maybe call it or send it a card or take it out for brunch. But not breakfast. No moth is worth waking up early for. If you don't have a moth or if you and your moth aren't on speaking terms... no worries. It's not like a moth's raised you and you owe them something.)
Xorial Day (See, now we don't even Remember what today was about)
FaXthers Day (Did that one work? Is that less offensive? For more information see MothX Day.)
June Xtice (Look let's keep it simple here. It's June and the sun is in the sky. Maybe the June thing goes too far. That might exclude people who don't follow my calendar. Okay then, "X Xtice" it is.)
Xdependence Day (This one is kind of tricky. Did I X out the right portion of the word? Or is the word "Day" the offender? I'm not sure. I'm going with my gut on this one. I'll try it out this year and see how it goes.)
ColumbX Day (Who was ColumbuX and what did they ever do for anyone? ColumbuX is nobody. And nobody ever offended anybody.)
Xoween (Honestly this holiday has always offended me. I'm more than happy to get the "Hall" out of there.)
The first day of Xukkah (It's December. It's cold, in the northern hemisphere, so what can you do on Xukkah? Well, now that it's less offensive than it was, you can do whatever you'd like... Why didn't I think of this sooner? This really is much better for all of humankind.)
XXing (Now you don't have to feel obligated to feel thankful for a thing. This is so liberating. Do you feel it too? I hated being thankful for stuff. Now I can just sit back and Xing X whatever I want X.)
Last Day of Xukkah (Let's blow this Xukkah out. You know, on the last day of Xukkah it's all about the X.)
Xmas (The one that started it all. The Godfather of all X holidays. Xmas you will always reign supreme. X you for all the inspiraXion.)
And finally on the list we come to Xzaa (Now it just makes me want some pizza. I don't see anything wrong with that. Thank you December 26th, Makes-me-want-pizza-day.)
So that's a preview to how my year should go if I can stick to my resolutions. What's the point? Big picture, I just want us all to get along. An added bonus would be the "Xday card section". Just one card to cover every Xday of the year. Fantasy of fantasy? No Xday decorations or themes. Other than of course a big X pulled out and set on top of the television every couple of weeks as a reminder that it's an Xday.
Wish me luck. And remember a better world starts with you.

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