Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Curious Member With a Small Question

Dear Parents and Frigid's, 
This may be unsuitable for those who have not yet completed the state certified Maturation Program. There are some words and situations that may cause youngsters to giggle or turn red. It may lead to serious discussion about some body parts and the use there of... So that's my heads up. And that's sort of a pun. But kind of a little one. This was actually more of the pun. Anyway, here's the question. 

Q. As I'm getting older I'm having trouble keeping off weight. My work has a gym with great equipment, but the showers are all in one big, communal room with no privacy and I'm afraid to shower in "public". I perceive my member to be smaller-than-average and I'm terribly afraid of being ridiculed, either to my face or behind my back. I'd like to start a good exercise routine since work makes it available, but I'm paralyzed by my childish fears. Any suggestions??? :-)

A. Dear Shower Shrinker ,
This can be a sensitive subject. Thank you for coming to me for help. I know you have been waiting some time for a response and I apologize. I must admit, It has been difficult to find time to sit down and think through penis advice for some one else... And yes, thank you for not sending a photo. 
Now it's time to get over the insecurities and get to the gym. Here are some suggestions that may help make your experience more comfortable:

1. Remember, some people who want one don't have one. So be thankful for the one you have. Keep it clean and store it properly. And if anyone makes fun of it, tries to break it or take it away, get an adult or press charges. 

2.  Keep in mind it's severely limited in function. Ear lobes and hair are the only other body parts more limited. On the whole it can really only be expected to:
    a. Hang to one side or the other. 
    b. Stand up, or sometimes out. 
    c. Direct urine. Even without a penis one can still urinate. (Am I right ladies?) So it's really just kind of a stream directional device. 
    d. Ejaculate. Any size is capable of this... As far as I know. If anyone, or you dear reader, is truly so small that ejaculation is impossible, I'm sorry for my insensitive assumption. All the best to you. I bet you know a bunch of languages and all about weapons and computers. Or at least drive some kind of loud rumbling vehicle. 
    e. Exhibit some flex control, but minimal dexterity. Even if you are missing both arms and legs, you still won't be signing the rent checks with the thubly digit. 

3. The Shield- Always carry a large bottle of shampoo when naked in the locker room. Keep it low and down in front. This can act as a discreet shield. Think back to the early puberty years of school day erections and how handy a text book or backpack was when it came time to stand and join your group at the front of the classroom. 

4. The Invisibility spell- This spell takes some effort to cast but is effective for long periods of time. To cast it, speak loudly to anyone who looks your way in the locker room. Always have a favor to ask, "FREDDY, MY MAN. CAN I BORROW A HIT OF THAT DEODORANT WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH WITH IT?" "DUDE, I'M LAYING SOD AT MY PLACE THIS WEEKEND. CAN YOU COME BY AROUND 7 AM? I'LL HAVE DONUTS AND OJ." Or make ordinary observations like they are profound or amazing discoveries.   "HEY WE'VE GOT THE SAME TOWEL! COOL!" or "I DROVE HERE TODAY. BUT TOMORROW I'M GOING TO RUN! BAREFOOT!" Or "THESE FLOORS ARE SO WET. I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THIS SENSATION!" Soon people will stop looking in your direction all together. When this happens you will know the spell is cast. You may now stride nudely through the locker room in comfort. 

5. The Flavor Flav- Wear lot's of over sized necklace decorations. Clocks, stuffed animals and obsolete electronics as trinkets. And on days at the gym, you just happen to always wear a crotch length chain with magnifying glass attachment. 

6. The "Don't let this happen to you"- Wrap it in bandages with a few blood stains. Maybe even add a drain tube. If people see that for a few weeks, they'll be happy for you that you have anything there at all. Plus you will look like a tough guy, working through the pain. If anyone asks, "Who knew over-use could wear it down to a nub? Cautionary tale bro."

7. Is that still a thing guys do? The ridicule? Do you hear a lot of that around the office? "Oh man, you should have seen Norman walk out of the shower... It was as big as a stack of a nickels worth of pennies." 

8. Compared to what- Wear really, Really, REALLY small underwear. It's all about contrast. If you want to make something look bigger, put it next to something smaller. 

9. The Far Sighting-If anyone is so bold as to mentions the size, tell them they were standing too far away from you when they saw it.  And if they would like to get closer next time, it would make you feel uncomfortable. 

10. Standing-out Hiding- Sneaking and hiding only draw attention to yourself. So don't. Don't give it a thought. You are there to workout and get fit. So, work out like you mean it. Walk like you own it. Hold your head high, look your fellow man in the eye and make no apology. If you don't have a problem with it, most others won't either. 

11. Full Coverage- If none of the above is a go. Bring back the loin cloth. Even if the loin cloth is a swimming suit. If anyone gives you a sideways glance. Give them one right back that says, "What are you doing all naked and stuff? There are civilized people in here."

12. A bongo drum the cervix is not (Am I right ladies?)- It's seems dudes, guys and bro's are the only one's really concerned with dangly girth. As though it is some how a storehouse of extra strength, agility, charm or intelligence. (Though some may argue that it does have a mind of its own. Anyone who owns one knows it doesn't- it has more of a quiet, repetitive voice that doesn't shut up until it gets what it wants.)  When really all it stores is some tissue, nerve endings, muscle, a tube and the occasional influx of blood. You can reject the notion that any of your worth, power or ability as a man has anything to do with size. As long as it does it's couple of jobs, even sort of well, enjoy it. 

So here's to you and treadmilling. To you and stair stepping. To you and lap pooling. To you and lifting bars and discs. Here's to you and your new gym shoes- may they never touch pavement. Here's to you and grimacing while wiping some strangers sweat off the circuit  machine. Here's to you buying a smaller pair of jeans and drowning in your suit that didn't comfortably button last year. Here's to you going public. 

Hope that helps,


  1. What about an oversized merkin?

  2. That might compound the issue. Unless you are thinking of using it as a covering in order to hide all information. Perhaps a mini merkin would help distort the size relationship.