Thursday, October 20, 2011

I've Never Claimed to be Happy

Q. My wife asked me this in a casual conversation at the dinner table. With all seriousness and curious eyes: "Have you ever really been happy?"

A. In response I said, "I don't think so. I think I have had moments of happiness. But mostly I would say I've been content."

Sometimes I feel like I should be striving for happiness. But I'm not sure it exists. Not for me anyway.

I have met people who seem live in a state of happiness. And I have always been interested in being around them, watching what they do, how they say things and how they treat others. It's all very attractive to me but it feels foreign. Like they have their thing and I have mine. Mine being contentment.

It seems when I strive for a state of happiness, I quickly find myself frustrated and unsatisfied. So in wanting it I am lead to its opposite. So maybe happiness, for me, is like love is, for some people- you'll find it when you stop looking for it. But at the end of the day, as is my nature, I'm quite content to just be content... Those three dot's could go on a lot longer... Something like this.................................. As I write this I'm having to confront this aspect of my life. Contentment: My greatest strength or greatest weakness? And then I think. Well its definitely not my greatest weakness. Not returning emails in a timely manner (or at all) might be. And it's not my greatest strength either. I think that would have to be my ability to organize groceries into a freezer with 80% of the labels visible.

To those people who are happy most of the time, I think you have a wonderful gift. Please keep talking and doing and sharing. Some of us are quite content to be near you.


As a side note: This was a question about my nature, my existence. Not my marriage.

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